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Jun. 23rd, 2021 03:53 pm Today was unbelievably shitty.
Fifteen years. I don't even have words for how that makes me feel. Numb? Angry? Empty? Not really grieving, not after all these years. Just... used to it. I hate it, I hate it with every fiber of my being, but I'm used to the hollow place in my heart, and the fact that I'm used to it makes me even more furious.
Never have I felt the opening words of The Sound of Silence to be more true. Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...
The date isn't the big drama of the day, though. That honor belongs to side effects of medication. I started a new anti-anxiety medicine last week, and it has been intensely unpleasant. First I was dizzy and lightheaded all the time, then I was overheated and itchy, and now I'm just angry All. The. Damn. Time. I cried for an hour because I couldn't find a measuring spoon. I can barely talk without yelling or crying. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. It seems to come in waves. I'm just pissed off about absolutely everything.
I saw the doctor yesterday, and they lowered the dose. If the lowered dose doesn't work by next week, they'll try a different medicine.
The stupid part is that I was okay. I was doing alright on the old medicine. But I wasn't sure it was working any more, and I figured it couldn't hurt to try something new and see if it would help. That's what I get for trying to make things better...
So many people say that once you get through the side effects, this medicine works great. But how the hell do you get through the one or two weeks of side effects?! I have to stay at least marginally functional and coherent.
I have another doctor appointment on Monday. If things aren't better by then, I'm going back to the old medicine. It may not be effective, but at least it's not making things worse.
I miss Dad so intensely. Every day. I wish so badly he could trade bad jokes with Rory, play card games with me, take his gradchildren fishing and boating. The fact that Dad isn't here, that he's been gone for fifteen years, is the single most unjust thing about the universe.
And I'm STILL dizzy.
Fifteen years. I don't even have words for how that makes me feel. Numb? Angry? Empty? Not really grieving, not after all these years. Just... used to it. I hate it, I hate it with every fiber of my being, but I'm used to the hollow place in my heart, and the fact that I'm used to it makes me even more furious.
Never have I felt the opening words of The Sound of Silence to be more true. Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...
The date isn't the big drama of the day, though. That honor belongs to side effects of medication. I started a new anti-anxiety medicine last week, and it has been intensely unpleasant. First I was dizzy and lightheaded all the time, then I was overheated and itchy, and now I'm just angry All. The. Damn. Time. I cried for an hour because I couldn't find a measuring spoon. I can barely talk without yelling or crying. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. It seems to come in waves. I'm just pissed off about absolutely everything.
I saw the doctor yesterday, and they lowered the dose. If the lowered dose doesn't work by next week, they'll try a different medicine.
The stupid part is that I was okay. I was doing alright on the old medicine. But I wasn't sure it was working any more, and I figured it couldn't hurt to try something new and see if it would help. That's what I get for trying to make things better...
So many people say that once you get through the side effects, this medicine works great. But how the hell do you get through the one or two weeks of side effects?! I have to stay at least marginally functional and coherent.
I have another doctor appointment on Monday. If things aren't better by then, I'm going back to the old medicine. It may not be effective, but at least it's not making things worse.
I miss Dad so intensely. Every day. I wish so badly he could trade bad jokes with Rory, play card games with me, take his gradchildren fishing and boating. The fact that Dad isn't here, that he's been gone for fifteen years, is the single most unjust thing about the universe.
And I'm STILL dizzy.
