bluealoe

Well, that was certainly a year. I know I say that every year, but this year I really mean it. Two very good thngs happened this year, but also a lot of bad things. Overall, the theme of the year was "difficult decisions and change on the horizon".

Things that happened this year, in brief:

-We adopted a horse, Umi. The number one best thing of the year, no competition. We'd been thinking about getting a horse of our own, and had been researching it, but were going to start looking next year. Then Umi needed a home, and we couldn't say no. We had a few hurdles, but how could we saw no to a sweet 20-year-old horse who's a little nervous and neurotic, but just needs lots of love? So much of our lives these days revolve around taking care of Umi, learning everything we need to know about horse care, and just spending time with him. It's a lot of work, and can be tremendously stressful, but so very much worth it. He gives us a focus, a purpose, a reason to keep going forward. He's been a bright spot in an otherwise rather dismal year.

-I went to Norway and Belgium with my mom, on a long-delayed vacation. It was amazing; beautiful scenery, lots of history and museums and fun excursions, good food, lots of time to relax, and so many waffles. Belgium was waffle heaven. We also got to reconnect with Martina, who I hadn't seen in over twenty years. Seeing her again and keeping in touch has been great.

-We lost Newton, Ganador, and Domino. That hurts so much. Newton was such a special horse; there will never been anyone like him again. And although we didn't know Ganador and Domino for very long, they were both very sweet horses that we loved very much. Even though they wreen't my horses, I miss all of them, and I'll never forget them.

-My oldest nephew graduated high school. I got to go to the graduation, and I'm so deeply proud of him. But also incredibly confused and baffled as to how he grew up so damn fast. He was a baby just yesterday!

-Took care of more house projects, mostly getting a new chimney and getting the boiler serviced. Still not a huge fan of home ownership, but I do like our house.

-Went back to the East Coast to visit the in-laws. The highlight of the trip was going to the zoo and seeing the baby elephants.

-Health-wise, nothing serious happened, but lots of little annoying things. I started off the year with a root canal and a crown, continued on with a colonoscopy, got my first mammogram, re-injured my bad shoulder, managed to cut my hand pretty badly, was told I need dental surgery (a gum graft), and finished off the year with slipping and hitting my head, resulting in an ER visit on Christmas Day. (I'm fine, no concussion, just needed a couple stitches.) Again, nothing catastrophic, it could have been so much worse, but I'm so DONE with medical stuff.

-I started going to in-person yoga classes. Not consistently, but about once every two or three weeks. It's been a good experience.

-I also started volunteering to teach English through the local Literacy Council. So far it's been a good experience; I have four students, all fairly recent arrivals to the US, and they're great. It has heped to be able to do something that directly helps people in the local community, and I can feel the English teacher in me re-emerge after so many years of not being in that field. It's nice to use some of my skills again.

-Leopold continues to be amazing. He's so happy being the only cat. Ringo is doing fantastic with my mother-in-law; he found the perfect home with her.

-Finished re-watching all of Monk, watched all of Father Brown, Sster Boniface, and HIida, caught up on Murdoch Mysteries and Heartstopper, and am currently working my way through MIss Fisher's Murder Mysteries.

-November was bad. Really bad. I've completely lost all faith in this country, and in my home state. I never had a lot of hope, but the results of the election has extinguished that last little glimmer of hope. I'm left with a bone-deep sense of betrayal. I'm glad there's still good people in this country, people who are willing to stay and fight and protect the vulnerable, but I don't think I can be one of them. Rory and I have decided we don't want to stay here anymore, and are exploring moving to another country. We don't have any firm plans yet, but our goal is to be out of here by next fall. The political situation isn't the only factor, there's several other reasons, but it's the biggest one.

-We both feel like it's time to move on to another phase of our lives. The caveat is that Umi and Leopold have to come with us. We're not leaving them behind. We really made things more difficult for ourselves by adopting a horse, but that's the way things happened, and he's part of the family now.

Things I wanted to do in 2024:

Keep working with Rory on communication and relationship skills: Doing pretty good on this one. It's definitely a challenge right now, with a lot of stress and depression in the mix, but we're doing our best. It's a constant process.

Read 24 books: I read 33! Not bad.

Try making one new recipe each month: I actually managed to do this, to my surprise. Several of the new recipes have entered the regular rotation, and none of them were bad, though some were better than others.

Physical activity three times a week: I did good with yoga, and over the summer I went for walks every day. After gettng Umi, my physical activity definitely went up; turns out shoveling horse poop is a a good workout. I didn't end up doing anything structured, like fencing, so I think this one is 50-50.

Go to hunting camp: I ended up getting sidetracked by getting a horse, so that didn't happen.

Call Gary at least once a month: I averaged about once every three months. I feel guilty about that. But at least I did stay in touch!

Things I'd like to do in 2025:
-Keep working with Rory on communication and relationship skills:
-Read 26 books.
-Try making one new recipe a month.
-Call Gary at least once a month.
-By this time next year, I want to be living somewhere else, whether that's another country or at least another state. This one requires a lot of work and coordinating and planning and logistics; it's a big project. But it's the main goal for 2025.

Goodbye to the year of the dragon. I hope that the year of the snake is kinder to us all than this past year has been. We keep going forward, because that's our only choice.

Well, my itty bitty baby nephew is all grown up. I was literally in the room when he was born, and last week he graduated from high school. How the hell did time go by so quickly? I'm still in disbelief that I watched him grow up from a cute baby to an adorable toddler to an incredibly difficult and whiny kid to a slightly-less-difficult teenager, and now it's his 18th birthday. I'm so proud of him: he's a deeply empathetic and caring soul, a whiz at math and creative writing, and so much fun to hang out with. But still...how did this happen so fast?!

It also means that it's been exactly 18 years since Dad died. That's even harder to believe. I think about where I was 18 years ago, the events of that day, and it's a distant memory. I'm such a different person than I was back then. So much has changed, I'm grown so much. But at the same time, it feels like it happened yesterday. I remember every single detail of that day, the phone call that shattered my world; it's frozen in my memory. It doesn't feel like it was 18 years ago. It couldn't have been.

And more than anything, I feel angry. It's nothing new, I've been angry at the universe for a long time now. But at my nephew's graduation it came crashing down on me like never before. Dad was robbed. He was robbed of 18 years with his grandkids, robbed of the opportunity to get to known them, to watch them grow up, to play cards with them and teach them bad jokes, to to be a grandpa. He should have been there to see his oldest grandson graduate from high school. The unfairness of it runs so deeply that I can't ever find the words to express it. There are no words, just a burning rage at the universe for allowing this to happen.

I know I can live in the world without my father. Somehow I've managed it for the past 18 years. But I shouldn't have had to. My nephews shouldn't have had to grown up without their grandpa. And I will never forgive the universe for that.

Yet another year gone. They seem to go by faster and faster every year. 2023 was definitely a mixed bag; lots of bad things, but also lots of good things, and definitely some very hard things. The thing the overall theme of the year was "Emily does hard and scary things."

The Good, the Bad, and the Difficult:

-We finished our first full year living in the house, and took care of a LOT of projects around the house. We took down the shed, got the water tank situation taken care of (finally, after a lot of headaches and wrangling with the contractors), got the windows repaired/replaced, had the septic system serviced, did a ton of yardwork, and organized and set up my craft room/home office. Oh, and Rory replaced a kitchen faucet and fixed a leaky bathroom faucet. I'm vey proud of him! Owning a home continues to be a giant pain, and I can't say I recommend it, but it has been nice to have our own place and not have to answer to a landlord.

-In February, Rory's two favorite horses both died very suddenly, on the same day. Even though they weren't our horses. Rory worked with them every week, and I can't express how deeply he had bonded with them. He really did lose his best friends. That cast a shadow over the entire rest of the year. Falcor and Joritt, we love you and miss you every single day.

-The Ringo situation. It's very long and complicated, but the short version is that we had to find a new home for our cat Ringo. It broke our hearts, but he was getting aggressive toward Rory, and it was clear we couldn't meet his needs. But the good news is that he's now living with my mother-in-law, and doing amazingly well. Getting him there was an adventure (I flew 4000 miles with the cat under the seat in front of me), but it was worth it. The two of them adore each other, and almost all of Ringo's behavior problems are totally gone. It's clear he was meant to be with my mother-in-law. It was an incredibly long, stressful, and heartbreaking road to get there; I think I cried more in August than I have in my entire life. But we got Ringo to where he needed to be, and I don't feel like the year and a half we had him was a waste. He was meant to be with us for that time, to get him ready to go live with my mother-in-law.
I still miss him a lot, but we get updates and pictures regularly, and he's still part of the family. I feel sad and somewhat guilty that we couldn't provide him environment he needs right here; he had to go 4000 miles away. But in the end we got him to where we needed to be.

-Leopold is ECSTATIC to be the only cat again. He's much more playful, affectionate, and energetic. It's very clear he wants to be the only cat in the household. He's still very bonded with Rory, but he tolerates me too. :)

-In March my sibling and I went to Wisconsin to visit Gary. It took a huge amount of coordination and planning, and there were some hiccups along the way (Seattle airport, I hate you with every fiber of my being!), but it was definitely worth it. I'm really glad we were able to see Gary again. We also got to spend a night with our aunt and uncle, and heard some amazing stories about Dad.

-In July my sibling and nephews vcame to Alaska, and we got to spend a lot of time hanging out. Then we went to Tanana for a day. This was incredibly difficult for me, and required a lot of self-reflection and sorting through painful memories and complicated feelings. Being there was really tough, but overall it went well, and it was worth it. Definitely the hardest thing I did this year.

-In June Rory's family came to visit. Six people in our small house for a week...I do not recommend it. It also happened to be the week I was teaching space camp at work, so I was exhausted and stressed out. But considering the circumstances, it went really well, and everyone seemed to like Alaska.

-More travel: we went to Anchorage for my 40th birthday and saw a touring Broadway production of Hamilton and went to the zoo. Then we went to Seward for a couple of days and hung out by the ocean. In September I flew across the country with Ringo and stayed with my mother-in-law for a couple of days. And in October I went back to Anchorage for a day for a work conference. Lots of little trips!

-Work is going pretty well. I planned and ran a lot of events, including two weeks of space camp, and I'm getting along well with my supervisor and co-workers. There's things I don't enjoy, but mostly I get to do work I think is meaningful, and I'm glad to have some sort of stability there.

-I had to get a new phone when my old one decided to turn itself off and on again every two minutes. That made it very hard to use. It was three years old, so I guess it was time for a new phone, but it was still annoying, especially since I was going out of town the next day.

-Health stuff: Overall prety good, though I did get a weird infection in my finger. It's never a good sign when your finger starts turning green. Luckily antibiotics took care of it. And -I ended the year with a toothache. Not what I wanted for the holidays. I'm scheduled to get a root canal next week, and I have antibiotics and painkillers, so I'm okay, but it's still frustrating and painful.

-I finished a lot of craft projects, including several cross-stitches. I found a book of Bob Ross cross stitch patterna which I've been having fun with. :) I'm still working on a very complicated cross-stitch pattern a friend gave me, it's coming along but I keep having to take breaks. It's by far the most complicated cross-stitch I've ever done. I also completely reorganized my craft room and sorted and labeled my embroidery thread, so I'm counting those as creative projects.

-I finished watching Castle, watched all of The Fosters, caught up on Murdoch Mysteries, Heartstopper, and The Owl House, and am now working my way through Monk. We saw Elemental in the theaters; it was another great Pixar movie (unfortunately it was marketed all wrong, it was advertised as a love story when really it's about growing up with immigrant parents). We also played through both Maniac Mansion and Day of the Tentacle, video games from the 80s and 90s, and throughly enjoyed them.

-I was a repeat guest on Productivity Alchemy, which was a fun experience.

-I also did a bunch of little things this year that don't seem like much, but to me they were difficult. I scheduled a haircut without being reminded to, voluntarily bought new snowpants, and ordered new clothes. All very basic adulting tasks, but they're all things I hate doing, so the fact that I'm pushing myself to do things that I find difficult is meaningful.

Things I wanted to do in 2024:
Keep working with Rory on communication and relationship skills: We did really well at this. There are some hiccups, but we're both committed to working on our relationship and working through hard stuff. I'd say we're in a good place.

Read 22 books: I read 25. Less than last year, but some of them were quite long.

Keep seeing a counselor and working on good mental health habits: I'm still seeing my counselor and trying really hard to incorporating techniques and strategies she's taught me. I find some of the things she tells me creeping into my conversations with others, so I guess it's working?

Some sort of physical activity three times a week: I'm still doing yoga, and over the summer I did really well at going for a walk or bike ride every day, but that all disappeared when work got busy and the weather got colder.

Go to hunting camp: Nope, life got in the way again.

Visit Gary: I visited in March, and am quite proud that I pulled off all the planning and logistics for it.

Things I'd like to do in 2034:
-Keep working with Rory on communication and relationship skills.
-Read 24 books.
-Try making one new recipe each month.
-Physical activity three times a week.
-Go to hunting camp.
-Call Gary at least once a month.

Goodbye to the year of the Rabbit, and welcome to the year of the Dragon. I hope it's kind to us.

Well, that was certainly a year. I accomplished a lot, but not neccessarily what I had planned on doing. There were a lot of things I wanted to do, but got derailed along the way and ended up with a entirely different set of achievements. If I had to sum up this year, it would be "We adopted a kitten and bought a house."

In more detail:

-In May, we adopted a second cat. He was about nine months old, so not quite a kitten, but not an adult either. He's more of a teenager. His name is Ringo, he was rescued from a dumpster, and he's missing the tips of his ears because of frostbite. He's turned out to be quite a challenge; he's got a lot of trauma and behavioral issues, mostly around food. He steals any food he can (including an ENTIRE RAW STEAK), and gets very aggressive when food is present. We've been working really hard to address his issues (including consulting with a cat behaviorist), and he is getting better, but it's a work in progress. As frustrating as Ringo can be, he can also be adorable and sweet and snuggly, and overall he's a total sweetheart. He just can't decide whether he wants to be a scrappy alley cat or a pampered pet.

-Leopold continues to be amazing and weird. He still bites toes and dances on our chests and can't figure out how to meow properly. He's not quite sure about his new brother; mostly they get along, and sometimes they even snuggle together, but there's also growling and hissing and chasing. It's a very love-hate relationship, like most siblings, but overall I think they like each other.

-We bought a house. We weren't really intending to buy a house this year, but we started casually looking around over the summer, just to get a sense of what's out there. In August we found a house we really liked, and put in an offer. To our shock, it was acepted right away. Then we had to go through all the paperwork and bureaucracy, which was exhausting, but it all went fairly smoothly.

-We moved into the new house at the beginning of November, and that's when the problems began. Frozen pipes (long story, but basically the seller didn't give us crucial information about the water system), running out of fuel (the seller's fault, not ours), a broken oven, getting firewood delivered, dealing with ridiculous sexism from the bank (it was a battle to get MY name on the loan *I* applied for; their excuse was that the higher earner is always listed first, but I don't buy that. I think they just defaulted to dealing with Rory because he's a man), our homeowner's insurance being cancelled without warning, an absolutely epic battle with the post office to get our mail delivered (still not resolved), plus all the normal hassles of moving into a new place, unpacking, and getting things set up the way we want them. I know homeownership isn't easy, but I really didn't expect to deal with all these issues in the first month.

-Despite all the problems, I do like the house, and it's been really nice to have our own place.The location is fantastic, only seven minutes from work, and with a flat driveway (very important in winter in Alaska). I do miss some aspects of the old apartment; we lived there for five years, so there's a lot of memories, and even though our landlord wasn't good with routine maintenance, he was a really good person and a lot of things were just easier with a landlord taking care of them. But overall, I'm still glad we bought the house. I just hope things settle down for a while.

-Work-wise, I planned and ran five Family Days, four smaller events, a library outreach program, and a lot more I can't remember right now. I also planned and co-taught a week of Space Camp, with twelve kids ages 8-11. That was a LOT of work, but it went well. We've had some staffing changes this year, and it's been hard to keep up with everything, but overall it's going smoothly. I feel lucky to have a job that I mostly enjoy, with good and supportive co-workers.

-In October, I went to a work conference in Portland, which was great. It was really inspiring to meet other museum people and get new ideas, but it was definitely exhausting. So much socializing! While in Portland, I went to the giant used bookstore, a spice shop, lots of amazing museums, and a little ice cream shop selling waffles on a stick. Once I discovered those, I almost didn't go home. I mean, waffles on a stick!!

-In July, my mom and I flew to Tacoma, picked up my nephews, and drove to South Dakota for a week. We stayed at my mom's cabin and had a fun time. My nephews are just starting to come out of the whiny, self-absorbed, annoying phase, and now they're actually fun to hang out with. Once we got back to Tacoma, I also spent some time with my sibling, which was nice.

-I had to go to physical therapy because apparently I've been holding my wrist incorrectly my entire life, and it was starting to cause a lot of pain. So now I have to relearn how to move my wrist. It's a lot better now, but I still have to be careful.

-In March our amazing friend L came to Alaska to visit, and we had a great time showing her around. It was SO awesome to have a friend come to visit us, instead of the other way around.

-At the end of July, Rory's dad and his partner came to visit, and it actually went fairly well. Unfortunately Rory's dad got COVID and had to isolate for a few days, but after that we were able to take them around and do all the tourist things. Rory's dad actually behaved himself and was quite accomodating, which was a welcome relief, but also made me suspicious..he's not usually so easy-going.

-My friend Mike, who I've known for almost twenty years, moved to Fairbanks with his wife and daughter. We've always lived in opposite corners of the world (we met while we were both exchange students in Japan), and I never in a million years would have predicted we would end up living in the same place. But it's been awesome spending more time with Mike and getting to know his family.

-I went to my 20th high school reunion. It was weird and awkward and now I remember why I didn't keep in touch with most of my classmates. There's only two or three I care to keep in touch with, and it was great to see them at the reunion, but I don't think I'll go to another one.

-On the health front, in January I got COVID. It was a mild case, just felt like a cold, but I was incredibly angry. After being so careful and taking all the precautions for two years, I still got it. In August Rory and I possibly had it again; we had mild symptoms and were exposed to a positive case, but we both tested negative, so who knows? No other major health issues this year, thank goodness.

-I watched all of Murdoch Mysteries, Arcane, The Owl House, and Heartstopper, and am currently working my way through Castle. We saw Lightyear in the theater, and we discovered the awesome YouTube channel Tasting History.

-The year ended on a sad note; Rory's uncle and an old family friend of mine died on the same day in mid-December. Both were expected, they'd been in decline for a long time, but it was still sad, and we're both still grieving. In addition, I found out that another old family friend, who's sort of my godfather/uncle/surrogate father figure, had a stroke and isn't doing so well. So I'm going to try to go visit him soon (he lives about 3000 miles away).

-Rory and I have worked really hard on our relationship and communication skills, and we're doing pretty well. There's still hiccups, but we manage to resolve them without hard feelings, and overall we have much healthier communication now.

-I've continued to see a counselor and have done a lot of work on setting boudaries, emotional sponging, and managing anxiety. There's been a lot of self-discovery, which is really hard and exhausting, but also useful. I've had to grudgingly admit my counselor is right about a lot of things.

So, things I wanted to do this year:

Get an answer about ADHD: This moved to a back burner because of house stuff. I still want to get a proper answer, but Rory is doing a lot better with general mental health, so it's not as urgent.

Work with Rory on communication and relationship skills: We did so well at this! There's always room to improve, of course, but we did a lot of work on this goal.

Read 20 books: Done! I read 28, and possibly 29 if I finish the one I'm currently reading by midnight.

Commit to mental health: I think I did fairly well.

-Continue to do crafty things on a regular basis: I did that! I finished five cross stitch projects, mostly in the evening while watching murder mysteries. And right now I'm knitting a scarf for a stuffed animal (don't ask).

-Keep seeing a counselor: I saw my counselor (virtually) about every two weeks for the whole year.

-Physical activity at least three times a week, plus continue to do yoga: I did well at the yoga, not so good at the rest of it. I need to figure out a way to do physical activity when it's cold and dark outside.

-Really practice mindfulness: I did my best; I didn't do anything official, but I did try to prctice the skills my counselor recommended.

Go to hunting camp: Didn't happen, mostly because of work.

Start fencing again: Nope.

Overall, a mixed bag, but I think buying a house is makes up for some of it.

Things I want to do in 2023:
-Keep working with Rory on communication and relationship skills.
-Read 22 books.
-Keep seeing a counselor and working on good mental health habits.
-Some sort of physical activity three times a week. (If I can figure out a way to start fencing again, that would be perfect.)
-Go to hunting camp.
-Visit Gary (the aforementioned godfather/uncle/father figure).

Overall, this wasn't the best year ever, but it wasn't bad either. On the whole there was more good than bad.

Farewell to the year of the tiger, and welcome to the year of the rabbit. May it be kind to us all.

I'm really not sure what to say about this year. I'm kind of afraid of saying anything for fear of jinxing next year. There were some good things this year, but overall I'm not sorry to say goodbye to 2021.

In no particular order, here are some things that happened this year:

- We are safe and healthy. No one in our immediate families got sick or injured, and we're all vaccinated. Rory and I got our booster shots in November, so we're as protected as we can be.

-I worked from home until August, then went back to the office (but still working from home one day a week). It's been really nice to be back in the museum, but also weird. We held two in-person Family Days, three virtual Family Days, and at least ten other virtual events. I filmed several craft videos and interviews with experts (I got to interview a NASA scientist!), did a ton of work on the website, helped with a space science summer camp, and all sorts of other random stuff.

-In July we went to Tacoma to visit my sibling and nephews. It was a stressful trip, but it was good to see them for the first time in almost two years. Then Rory and I went to Juneau for three days. I hadn't been back to Juneau since I lived there as a little kid (except for one brief visit), and it was interesting to go see my old neighborhood and relive memories. We also went to the glacier, several beaches, a brewery, and the state museum.

-In September we visited Rory's family in Syracuse. It went fairly well, but still stressful. Family is complicated.

-I started counseling (again), and have been working very hard with my counselor to not take on too many responsibilities, manage anxiety, deal with stress, and not take on other people's emotions.

-I didn't have any serious health issues, but I did have a series of minor annoying issues, including a bladder infection, a sore throat, a very bad reaction to a medicine that left me dizzy and full of rage for days, and a bunch of shenanigans with the sleep doctor and dentist. I did stop using the CPAP machine, and instead have a mouth device that's supposed to help with sleep apnea.

-I started watching the BBC show Waiting for God, which is fantastic, and the Canadian show Murdoch Mysteries, which has sucked me in.

-We got a new couch, which we really needed. I think it's the first piece of new furniture I've ever bought (from an actual furniture store).

-The year ended with a series of massive snow and ice storms; three in a week, including freezing rain that covered everything in a thick layer of ice. We lost power, my mom and nephews were stranded at the airport, we couldn't get out of the driveway for several days, and it was a giant mess. It felt like the apocalypse. Not a good end to the year.

-Leopold continues to be adorable and weird and brings us so much joy (and confusion). He sits in the sink and lets the water run over his head, keeps trying to jump in the shower, lays around on his back with all four paws in the air, is a terrible hunter, and dances on our chests at 3 am. He gave us a scare back in March when he didn't eat for a couple of days and seemed lethargic, but when he gave him wet food he started eating again and has been perfectly fine ever since. I'm convinced he staged the whole thing to get wet food.

-Rory and I have been working very hard on communication skills and strengthening our relationship. It's been really hard, but we're both committed to trying our best. Our relationship isn't in trouble, but there's always room for improvements.

This year I had five things I wanted to do:

Read three books every two months (18 total): I did well on this one! I read 30 books (although several of them were very short), which is an average of 2.5 books per month.

Do something crafty/creative regularly: Did well on this one too. I finished a needlework project, started a cross stitch project, made several friendship bracelets, and made a whole bunch of folded fabric ornaments. I feel like there was something else, but can't think of it right now.

Physical activity three times a week: I took walks and rode my bike regularly in the summer, and went skiing several times in the spring. The last few months of the year I didn't do so well, it was too cold and dark to take walks. But I did sucessfully start doing yoga three times a week, and kept that up for the whole year (I did miss a few days, but too a lot). It's not extensive yoga, it's just following along to a YouTube video for ten or twenty minutes, but it's something.

Practice mindfulness: Ehhh....I tried? Our counselor really wants both of us to practice this, and gave us a lot of resources. I've been doing a lot of research about mindfulness, and started trying some breathing exercises, but I could do better.

Go to hunting camp: Pandemic and the need to visit Rory's family meant I couldn't do this one.

These are the things I want to do next year:

Get an answer about ADHD: This is a long story, but the short version is that I want a proper answer about whether Rory has ADHD, and getting to the bottom of this is one of my biggest priorities.
Work with Rory on communication and relationship skills: This one's probably the most important. It's an ongoing process.
Read 20 books: I think I can do this one. I could probably read more, but I want to keep the goal achievable. :)
Commit to mental health: This one has several sub-goals:

Continue to do crafty things on a regular basis.
Keep seeing a counselor.
Physical activity at least three times a week, plus continue to do yoga.
Really practice mindfulness.

Go to hunting camp: Yep, still on my list.
Start fencing again: Pandemic permitting.

More goals this year than last, but I think they're doable.

I'm not making any predictions or wishes for the new year. I just hope the Year of the Tiger is kind to all of us.

Happy New Year.

Today was unbelievably shitty.

Fifteen years. I don't even have words for how that makes me feel. Numb? Angry? Empty? Not really grieving, not after all these years. Just... used to it. I hate it, I hate it with every fiber of my being, but I'm used to the hollow place in my heart, and the fact that I'm used to it makes me even more furious.

Never have I felt the opening words of The Sound of Silence to be more true. Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...

The date isn't the big drama of the day, though. That honor belongs to side effects of medication. I started a new anti-anxiety medicine last week, and it has been intensely unpleasant. First I was dizzy and lightheaded all the time, then I was overheated and itchy, and now I'm just angry All. The. Damn. Time. I cried for an hour because I couldn't find a measuring spoon. I can barely talk without yelling or crying. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. It seems to come in waves. I'm just pissed off about absolutely everything.

I saw the doctor yesterday, and they lowered the dose. If the lowered dose doesn't work by next week, they'll try a different medicine.

The stupid part is that I was okay. I was doing alright on the old medicine. But I wasn't sure it was working any more, and I figured it couldn't hurt to try something new and see if it would help. That's what I get for trying to make things better...

So many people say that once you get through the side effects, this medicine works great. But how the hell do you get through the one or two weeks of side effects?! I have to stay at least marginally functional and coherent.

I have another doctor appointment on Monday. If things aren't better by then, I'm going back to the old medicine. It may not be effective, but at least it's not making things worse.

I miss Dad so intensely. Every day. I wish so badly he could trade bad jokes with Rory, play card games with me, take his gradchildren fishing and boating. The fact that Dad isn't here, that he's been gone for fifteen years, is the single most unjust thing about the universe.

And I'm STILL dizzy.

Another year, another Father's Day. This one sharper than others (though not as much as the first few years)...I've known several people who have lost their fathers in the past year, and somehow their pain amplifies my own.

I know there are so many people in the world who have wonderful, loving relationships with their fathers, and that Father's Day is a time to celebrate them. But for me, it feels like a fucking slap in the face. Why do they get to have their dads, and I don't? (And I know also that there many others who don't have their dads, or never did, or have difficult or toxic relationships, and they're not celebrating either...but that doesn't make me feel any better.)

But a few days ago, I suddenly remembered a childhood memory that made me smile. So for this Father's Day, I'll share a fun memory, one that shows my dad's true self, his goofy, playful side.

When I was young, the village my dad lived in did not have fluoride in its drinking water. So the school had these little packets of flouride mouthwash they handed out to students. My dad managed to get ahold of some of the packets, and whenever I was at his house, he had me gargle with the fluoride mouthwash every night. He would do it too, figuring it couldn't hurt.

Somewhere along the line, I can't remember how, one of us got the idea to pose while spitting the mouthwash out. Like those classic fountains with statues of angels and swans and such, beautifully posed with water flowing out of their mouths. Of course we weren't as graceful, but every night after we gargled, I would hold the mouthwash in my mouth, go out on the deck, and make the most ridiculous pose I could while spitting the mouthwash out. Then Dad would do the same thing, and we'd judge who made the silliest fountain pose.

Night after night, we would make our fountain poses, laugh at each other, think about what goofy pose to do the next night, then finish brushing our teeth (or in his case, dentures), and go to bed.

It was a silly ritual. The whole thing was ridiculous; two people standing out on the deck, arms in the air, one foot stuck out behind, spitting out mouthwash while trying not to laugh. But it was our ritual, and I loved it.

It's times like those I want to remember. Of course there were many deeper moments, many long conversations about serious topics, many life lessons learned, and I cherish every one of those. But when I think about Dad, the first thing I remember is how much fun we had together. How many times we laughed together. How every little everyday task could become an adventure, if you approached it the right way.

I love you, Dad. I'll practice my fountain pose for you.

I'm not making any sort of predictions about 2021. Last year I kept saying that 2020 would definitely be better, and look what happened. So this year, I am NOT going to jinx it.

So much happened this year, and somehow I feel like I have nothing to write. So in no particular order, here's a few things that happened:

-My family and friends are safe and healthy, and Rory and I still have jobs. I can't be more thankful for that.

-In early March, we lost Peter (Rory's stepdad). We knew he didn't have long, but the end came much sooner than we thought. We were able to go back for the funeral, but while we were there the pandemic really hit and everything started shutting down. We just barely made it home before Alaska shut down. It was incredibly scary, and we were left to deal with a wordwide pandemic and our jobs changing overnight, on top of serious grief. We're still dealing with it.

-I've been working from home since March. I'm very grateful to still have a job, and my supervisor did a LOT of work to make sure no one was laid off, but absolutely everything about my job has changed. Now it's all virtual events, editing PDFs, and website work. It's sure not what I thought the job of a museum educator would be. Some part of it are okay, and I've gotten good at parts of it, but overall I can't wait to go back to the museum. Despite that, I did have some successes: Two in-person Family Days (before the pandemic), four virtual Family Days, tons of work on the Early Explorers program, learning how to create accessible PDFs, filming and editing videos, and learning how to work with a new website system (mostly by fiddling around and breaking stuff, but hey, whatever works).

-Rory got a promotion at the radio station. It's been stressful for him to learn a new job, but overall it's going well, and I think it's been good for him.

-Health-wise, a few things happened (nothing COVID-related, though). In May I had stomach issues and went to Urgent Care, which turned into an ER visit. It turns out I was severely constipated, and let me tell you, the pain was AWFUL. Luckily they were able to treat it, but being in the ER by yourself (they didn't let Rory in) in the middle of a pandemic is not something I can recommend. The whole experience led me to follow-ups with a doctor and a nutritionist and a whole food elimination diet for sevderal months (which really sucked). Turns out there's no particular food I'm allergic to, it's just a matter of eating in moderation, having a balanced diet, getting enough fiber, and drinking enough water. So I've spent the rest of the year getting used to that.

-In October, I was helping my mom with some projects at her cabin, and managed to step on a nail. That's when I learned that all the Urgent Care centers in this town close at 5 pm on a Saturday. Not particularly helpful. I was able to go in the next morning and get a tetanus shot (which hurt like hell for about a week), and everything healed fine, but I still have no desire to repeat the experience.

-My mom's been in Alaska most of the year, and it's been interesting living in the same town as her. Up until now, I either lived with her, or in a different city altogether, so this is a new experience. I spent a lot of time helping her with various home renovation projects. Having Mom close has been good in some ways, not so good in others.

-I discovered I love electric jigsaw tools. I even got one of my birthday! I can cut wood and sheetrock and so many things! I have the power!

-We bought a new (to us) car, which wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be. It even has a remote start! But that meant I had to say goodbye to Eve, the Subaru I've had for seven years. I ended up donating her to the local women's shelter. I know it was the right thing to do, but I still miss her so much.

-Politically, Alaska is an absolute disaster. But I can't express how immensely relieved I am that Biden won the election. It was like I could breathe again after holding my breath for four years.

-The absolute best part of the year was Leopold. This bizarre little black cat with no tail is really what kept me going this year. He can be a total asshole, has no concept of privacy, and does things no normal cat would do (like sit in the sink and let the water run over his head), but I don't know what I would do without him. In June our landlord's dog chased him up a tree; Rory had to climb up a very shaky ladder to retrieve him, and I was so scared they were both going to fall and I'd lose both my husband and my cat. Luckily everything turned out okay, and he hasn't gotten outside since then.

I had a few things I wanted to do in 2020:

Find a counselor: I did that! I started looking in January, made an appointment for March, then the world exploded and it was all put on hold. I finally got around to it again in June, and have been talking to a counselor on a semi-regular basis since then. Still not sure if it's helping, but it's a start.

Read one book a month: I did that! In fact, I read 24 books (possibly 25 if I finish the one I'm reading tonight). Some for shorter, some longer, but overall I'm pleased with how I did.

Start fencing again: Pandemic put a stop to this one. Hopefully next year?

Do something crafty/creative three times a week: I did well at this one too. I did two cross stitch projects, made lots of friendship bracelets, am working on a needlework kit, and made a whole bunch of pom-pom animals.

Practice mindfulness: Kinda? I read a book about mindfulness, and thought a lot about it. It's a start?

Communication with Rory: I think we did pretty well. It's always hard, especially with the stress and grief and anxiety this year, but we've managed to talk out a lot of things and keep the lines of communication open.

Plan honeymoon: Couldn't do this because of the pandemic.

Go to hunting camp: Another pandemic casualty.

For next year, here are the things I'd like to do:

-Read a total of 18 books (three books every two months): I want to keep this up, and even increase my goal a little.

-Do something crafty/creative on a regular basis: It seems to be good for my mental health.

-Do something active three times a week (skiing, walking, yoga, whatever): Not for weight loss or anything, but for mental health.

-Practice mindfulness: I read about it in 2020, now it's time to actually do it.

-Go to hunting camp, if possible: Still on my list.

That's less goals than 2020, but I think this year has proven that less is more.

Goodbye to 2020, and may the year of the Ox be kind to us all.

Another year, another entry. Yet again.

This year June 23rd is only two days after Father's Day. A one-two punch, right in a row. (With two more punches coming up in the next month, but that's another story.)

Surprisingly, this year I don't feel angry. At least no more than I usually am. The last few months have been a long hard slog, and I just don't have the energy to be angry anymore. I just feel empty and sad. And there's an extra layer of sadness and grief to deal with; losing a father-in-law, and supporting a grieving husband.

I wish no one else had to go through what I did. Seeing Rory hurting is breaking my heart. But a teeny tiny part of me is almost glad to have company now. Someone else knows what it's like. Someone else hates Father's Day as much as I do. And since I've been down this road, I can help guide him. I can feel just the slightest bit useful, in the midst of the helplessness. I hate that I feel that way, but there it is, selfishness and all.

There's nothing new to say. I think at this point, fourteen years later, the grief is here to stay. I've done a lot of a lot of hurting, a lot of processing, and a lot of healing. The grief isn't sharp anymore, it doesn't tear me up. It doesn't leave me drowning anymore. But I think I've healed as much as I'm able to. The grief that's left...it'll be there forever. A sore spot, a scar on my heart that will never go away.

On Father's Day, I talked to a good friend whose father died when she was young. She told me the worst moments are when she forgets he's gone, when she picks up the phone to call him and then remembers. Thirty years later and she still forgets. I don't know if I'm the odd one here, but that has never happened to me. I have never once forgotten that he's not here. Every single second of every single day, I am acutely, stabbingly aware that he's gone. That I will never hear his voice, listen to his jokes, feel his hugs, taste his cooking, ever again. I can't forget, and it still hurts.

Six years after my father died, I gained a father figure. He wasn't a replacement, our relationship was entirely different. But he was still a huge force in my life. He teased me constantly, called me a heathen, played against me while watching Jeopardy, ate my stale chocolate chip cookies, and loved me. He welcomed me into his life, blessed my wedding to his son, and accepted me fully. And now he's gone.

I've been enormously lucky in my life to have the best dad possible, and then a wonderful father-in-law. And now neither of them are here. It's not fair. It's not right.

And then there's Aidan. Fourteen years old, six feet tall, deep booming voice, going into high school. My baby nephew is a teenager now, and he never met his grandfather. He will never know what he missed out on. And that's an injustice I will never forgive.

Despite the stress of the last few months, my life is pretty good. I have a job I enjoy, great co-workers, an amazing husband, a good place to live, supportive family members, fantastic friends, and the weirdest cat in the universe. I'm going to be okay. There's a lot of good in my life. But still....I wish my father was here to see it.

This entry is completely disjointed. My thoughts are all over the place, rambling and nonsensical. I don't have a clever, insightful way to conclude. There's no lesson to be learned, no grander meaning to be made. There's just me, sitting here trying to make sense of it all, and knowing all the pieces will never come together to form a complete picture. It's messy and complicated and sad and joyful and angry and grateful and empty all at the same time, and I don't know what to make of it.

But through it all, one thing is clear: I love you, Dad. I will always love you, and I will always remember.

I wrote an entire entry about my year and was just about to post it, when all the text disappeared. I'm frustrated and annoyed and tired and want to go to bed, so I'm not going to rewrite the whole thing. Here's the abbreviated version:

2019 was a hell of a year, and I'm not sorry to see it go. Although some good things happened this year, there were a lot of terrible things, and I'm honestly just glad to have survived this nightmarish year.

Bad Things:

-The massive budget crisis invented by the idiotic governor that threw the entire state of Alaska into a panic mode, caused thousands of people to be in danger of losing their jobs, and months of uncertainty and stress and worry for everyone. And it was all completely unnecessary; there was no reason to cut essential state services just to increase payments to oil and gas companies (I could write a book about this governor and his shenanigans). The entire state was in uproar most of the summer, and Rory and I spent months worrying if we'd even be able to keep living in Alaska. In the end, the worst of the budget cuts were averted, and the immediate crisis is over, but there's more cuts coming, and the saga is going to continue. The anxiety and stress have been overwhelming.

-At the height of the budget crisis, we lost Goldie very suddenly. She had been sick, but was getting better. Then suddenly she was gone. It was absolutely devastating, and I can't write about it any more.

-At the same time as the budget crisis and losing Goldie, the state was experiencing record wildfires. The smoke was so thick at times we couldn't go outside. It felt apocalyptic. There were a few weeks in July I truly thought the world was coming apart around me.

-Rory's stepdad was diagnosed with aggressive cancer, and things don't look good. This has unfortunately brought out the worst in some of his family members, and there's been a lot of drama. We don't know how long his stepdad has, but it's probably not very long.

-Almost everyone I know has lost a pet this year. It's been a truly terrible run of luck, and I can't remember any other time when so many pets have died in such short a time span.

Good Things

-Rory got promoted to be a regular morning announcer at the local NPR station. It's much more steady than being on-call, and it's a perfect job for him.

-Overall work has gone well. I planned and ran five major events and dozens of smaller ones, did at least three big community outreach events, finished a huge project with Denali National Park, and lots of other little things. Although there are some parts I don't like, I still enjoy my job.

-Did quite a bit of traveling this year. For work, I went to Sitka, Ketchikan, Kotzebue, and Nome. In June we went to a family reunion in Wisconsin. In September we went to New York to visit Rory's family and attend a wedding, and then to Massachusetts to visit friends (which was great).

-In Wisconsin, I reconnected with my dad's family, who I hadn't seen in 13 years. It was good to see them again and introduce Rory. We also got to visit Gary, who was my dad's best friend and basically a second dad to me. I don't get to see him nearly often enough, and visiting with him was a highlight of the year.

-Rory's dad came to visit at the end of July. Although I don't particularly get along with him, I will give him credit for actually coming to Alaska. He's been promising to come for over three years, and he finally did.

-I was a guest on the Productivity Alchemy podcast, talking about how I stay organized and productive. It was an interesting experience.

-The best thing that happened this year: At the beginning of December, we adopted a new kitty. We didn't intend to, we were going to wait until January to start looking for a cat, but fate had other ideas. His name is Leopold, he's about three years old, he's a Manx (with a stubby tail), he's all black except for a tiny white patch on his chest, and he's absolutely perfect in every way. He's affectionate and snuggly and has settled in like he's lived here his whole life. I love him SO much and having him around has been amazing for my mental health. I still miss Goldie so damn much, and I always will, but I'm so glad to have Leopold.

I had seven things I wanted to do this year:

Keep up with fencing/Japanese: Failed miserably on this one. Didn't do either.

Read one book a month: I succeeded! I read 18 books, plus finishing one I started the year before.

Practice mindfulness: I tried. It was hard.

Do my best at work/not letting it stress me out: Considering I had no idea how stress-provoking the budget situation would be, and I got through it without completely breaking down, I'm counting that as a win.

Communication with Rory: It's always a work in progress, but I think we're doing okay. We had a few minor breakthroughs this year.

Plan honeymoon: Nope. Didn't happen.

Go to hunting camp: I tried. The friends I would have to go with didn't go this year, so I couldn't go either. I did my best, but it was out of my hands.

For next year, here are the things I'd like to do:

Find a counselor: I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I really need to get going on this.
Read one book a month: I'd like to continue this, since it worked this year.
Start fencing again: I just need to make time for this!
Do something crafty/creative three times a week: I feel better when I make things, whether that's knitting, cross-stitch, making friendship bracelets, or whatever. I want to do more of it next year.
Practice mindfulness: I'd like to actually make progress on this, maybe taking a class or reading up on it or going to a guided session or something.
Communication with Rory: Another ongoing project.
Plan honeymoon: This WILL happen this year!
Go to hunting camp: If there's any way to make this happen, I will.

A few good things happened this year (mostly getting Leopold), but in the end I'm just very glad this year is over.I'm hoping next year is less turbulent. May the Year of the Rat be kind to us all.

An orange and white cat sitting on a table with her head tilted to the side.

We weren't supposed to get a cat.

The timing was terrible. We'd lost Sapphire six months before, and we weren't ready for another pet. I was finishing grad school in a week, and had no job lined up. We had a place to live for the next two months, and after that we didn't know where we were going or what we were doing. There was a lot of uncertainty, and it was the worst possible time to get another cat.

But then Goldie walked into our lives and declared we were her humans. She chose us.

It all happened oddly; a woman approached Rory at the post office and said she'd heard we were cat people. She was taking care of a cat whose previous owner had died, and this woman just wanted to find a good home for her. Rory and I talked it over and agreed we weren't going to take the cat, but decided to go meet her just to be polite.

The moment we walked into that house and Goldie came waltzing up to us, we knew. We were destined to be this cat's humans, and there was nothing we could do about it.

To our credit, we tried to resist...we said we'd sleep on it. But the next morning, neither us could get Goldie out of our minds. A week later, we took her home.

It wasn't the easiest transition. Jade and Goldie did not get along, and stuck to separate areas of the apartment. Goldie hid in the cabinet under the kitchen sink for the first few days. But slowly, we adjusted. And it was clear from the beginning that Goldie had a lot of love to give. She would sit next to us, licking our hands and purring louder than a lawn mower.

Two months later, we loaded the cats in the back of the car and drove 4,000 miles to Alaska. I'm still not sure Goldie understood that we'd moved across the country, but she behaved remarkably well, considering the eight-day drive.

Two months after that, we lost Jade. And while that was deeply traumatic, and I still miss her every day, having Goldie helped tremendously. And strangely, Goldie blossomed in this new environment. She was less nervous, more affectionate, and more laid-back. It was clear she loved being the only cat in the household.

She was the quirkiest cat I ever met. She hated being picked up (though she was getting better about tolerating it). She loved being petted, and would cuddle next to you all day long, but refused to sit on anyone's lap. She drank out of the toilet. She splashed the water from her water bowl all over the kitchen floor. She shook her head from side to side when you threw a mouse toy for her to catch. If you had paper or fabric laid out on the floor, she was very polite and would walk around it. She wouldn't meow when she was hungry; she would just sit next to her food bowl and give you a Look. She had no teeth (we don't know how she lost them), but that didn't stop her from trying to "bite" us. She gave us baths every day; I've never had such a clean forehead or hands.

And most of all, she was loving.

So many people loved Goldie back. She made an impression on everyone who met her. Rory's mom asked about her in every conversation. Our neighbor came over to visit just so she could pet Goldie. Our friend who once watched her while we were out of town ended up petting her even though he was allergic to cats. Everyone who knew Goldie adored her.

We didn't know exactly how old she was, since her previous owner had died and left no records. The vet didn't know either; they estimate a cat's age by looking at their teeth, and Goldie had no teeth. But she didn't seem super old, and we assumed we had a few more years with her.

She started losing weight this spring. By March she was down to six pounds. We took her to the vet, and they couldn't figure it out. She started having diahrrea and going outside the litter box, and we took her back to the vet. They went through numerous tests and procedures, and finally decided it was one of three things; a food insensitivity (can be handled), inflammatory bowel syndrome (can't be cured, but can be controlled), or cancer (can't do anything).

We started her on several medicines. We tried numerous kinds of food, both wet and dry. We got her a new water bowl to encourage her to drink more. We bought a second litter box so she had options. We showered her with affection, told her she had to get better. It was dicey for a while, and she was having numerous accidents, but she started getting better. She gained a little weight and was having less accidents. She wasn't cured, but she was getting better.

Throughout all of this, her behavior hadn't changed. She was still grooming herself, eating normally, being affectionate, snuggling up with us. So we were hopeful.

(I don't want to write about happened next, but it's part of the story. I hate it, but it happened.)

She was fine in the morning. Ate her breakfast as usual, was lounging on the floor as usual. It was really hot and smoky that day (lots of wildfires in the area), so we were keeping a close eye on her, but she seemed normal.

Rory and I went for a walk, came back 45 minutes later, and she wasn't okay. She was struggling to breathe and obviously in pain. We immediately took her to the emergency vet. The vet tried and tried, but there was nothing they could do, except ease her suffering. In an hour, it was all over.

It was cancer all along. Nothing we could have done would have changed the outcome. Both the emergency vet and the regular vet said we did all we could. Even if we had taken her in earlier, the cancer couldn't be cured.

It's taken me almost a month to write this much. I can't stand thinking about that day. How it happened so fast. It wasn't supposed to be like this...we fought so hard for her to get better. So many vet visits, so many tests, so many medicines. She was getting better, goddammit. She was fine, then she wasn't.

This is essentially the first time since I was four years old I haven't had a cat in my life. It's the first time in Rory's life he hasn't had a pet. And coming home every day to an empty house is one of the saddest things I've ever had to do. When we lost Sapphire, we still had Jade to turn to. When we lost Jade, we had Goldie. Now we have no one. And it makes the pain so much worse.

Every night before I go to bed, I look for her. I reach out to pet her, and she's not there. I go to bed, and wait for her to jump up beside me. I wake up in the middle of the night, and expect to hear purring. And I lay awake and miss her.

She was the queen of our house. Our Golden Girl. Our Goldilocks. Our Long Lost Kitty of Gold. Our Mayor Goldie. Our Bitey McGee.

We had three amazing years together, and we should have had so many more. You'll always be in our hearts, and I'll always miss you.

I love you, Goldie.

An orange and white cat sleeping with a paw over her eyes.

An orange and white cat with green eyes, looking at the camera.

A woman holding an orange and white cat.

Dear Dad,

I didn't write my usual June 23rd post, the way I do every year. But this year was different. I was in Wisconsin, visiting your brothers and sister and the rest of your family. My family.

I hadn't been to Green Bay since your memorial, a week after you died. I hadn't seen any of your relatives since the memorial at hunting camp, three months after you died. Without you, there was no reason to visit. It was too painful. We just drifted out of touch.

But last year, I reached out to my aunt. I wanted to connect again, in a fragile, tenuous way. And I wanted to introduce Rory to this side of my family. I wanted him to meet my uncles and aunts. It's the closest he'll ever get to meeting you.

And this year, Rory, Kate, Aidan, Colin, and I drove to Green Bay. We spent two days with the family. And it just so happened we were there on June 23rd. The fateful day. I knew it was going to be hard. Seeing people you hadn't seen in thirteen years is always awkward. I just didn't realize how deeply emotional it would be.

Everything seemed so familiar. Dave's house, with its stone walls and giant kitchen and set of stairs. The workshop, with your knifemaking bench still set up. The Packers logos everywhere. Dave himself, complete with long beard and grumpy expression and furrowed brow. Your brothers, joking around and talking about skydiving. Your sister, taking full control of every conversation. I fully expected to turn around and see you walk into the room. I think that was the worst part....I'd never been in that environment without you before. I could feel your presence, almost as strongly as I feel it on the Nowitna.

And yet you weren't there. You should have been. You should have been part of that gathering, making terrible jokes and telling stories and being the life of the party. You should have been drinking beer with your son-in-law, hugging your grandsons, teasing your daughters. You should have been there.

I'm glad I went. I'm glad Rory got to meet that side of my family, see that side of me. I feel like he knows you now, even thought he never met you. I'm glad Aidan and Colin have that connection with their grandpa and his family, even if they don't appreciate it at the moment. Someday they will. I'm glad I got to share memories and laugh about old stories with Kate. I never feel closer to my sister than when we talk about you. We are the only two people in the world with the experience of being your children, and we will always share that.

But still....it hurts. It hurts visiting Wisconsin without you. It hurts knowing all I have are memories. And the words "I miss you" can't capture how I truly feel. It's so much deeper than missing you...it's a longing, a hole in my heart that will never heal.

After Green Bay, we drove to the reunion with Mom's family. And Gary met us there. It was amazing to see Gary. It means so much that I've been able to keep that connection over the years. I never know how to describe Gary...a combination of your best friend/my uncle/my godfather. A constant presence in my life. We got to spend a day and a half with him, just hanging out and sharing stories. And Rory got to bond with him as well...if Rory couldn't meet you, at least he gets to know the next best thing.

I had a great time with Gary, and I'm deeply grateful he was able to arrange to meet us. But it still made me sad. Because you and Gary were a team. From the time I was born, I saw the two of you together, hunting and fishing and playing dominoes and driving the boat and telling stories and just being friends. And seeing him just made me miss you more.

Your grandson is a teenager now. Thirteen years old, six feet tall, curly hair, and a wide grin. He's not perfect. His whining and pettiness can get out of control sometimes. But he's a good kid, and he deserved the chance to get to know his grandpa. I often wonder how he (and all of us) would be different if he'd grown up with you around. That the universe took that away from him is something I will never be able to forgive.

It's been thirteen years. I still miss you every single minute of every single day. I love you, and I always will.

Always,
Emily

Why does Father's Day happen every year?

It just feels so unfair, that everyone else gets to celebrate their fathers, and my dad isn't here. Part of me wants to yell, "My dad's not here, so none of you get to have Father's Day!" I know that's pretty much the same thing as saying "I'm not having fun, so no one else gets to have fun either." I should be happy that there are fathers and children who get to appreciate and celebrate each other. That there is so much love in the world. And most of the time, I am happy about that. I don't want anyone to go through the pain of a parent's death. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

But this one day out of the year.....I turn into a grumpy ball of anger and I rage at the world.

In all the commercialization and celebration of the holiday, I just want someone out there to acknowledge that for some people, Father's Day isn't a happy occasion. That many people don't have their fathers present anymore. That others have less-than-ideal relationships with their fathers, or may not even know them.

Holidays can be joyous, but they're also painful.

I was reading PostSecret last night, and saw this secret. [It reads "My greatest regret will always be not Skyping you the night before you died. I'm so sorry, Dad."] When I saw the image I couldn't tear my eyes away. It's my thoughts, in someone else's handwriting. For me, it wasn't Skype, but I meant to call him. Every day that week, I meant to call him. And I kept putting it off. It could wait until tomorrow. And then there was no tomorrow. I missed my chance.

The last time I spoke to my dad, it was Father's Day. I had just gotten back from a trip, I was jetlagged and irritable, and I didn't want to talk. I cut the conversation short.

I will regret that until the end of my life.

My mom, my husband, my sister, my counselor, my friends...they've all told me not to beat myself up about it. That I did call him, and he was happy to hear from me. That I had no way of knowing what would happen later that week. I did the best I could.

I believe them. I know they're right. But nothing will ever make the regret go away.

There's been a lot on my mind lately. There's so many things going on in life that I need to deal with, that take a lot of mental energy. I don't need to deal with grief, yet again. But it's always there, a silent shadow accompanying me where ever I go. I've learned to deal with it, to dull the pain and live in this altered world. But on the third Sunday of June every year, the grief and regret rears its ugly head and starts screaming.

I'll be okay. Every year it comes and goes, and I keep on living my life. By now, I know how to live in this world without my father. And there are a lot of very good things in my life. Every day is fulled with love and fulfillment and little moments of joy. But there will always be that empty part of me, wanting desperately to pick up the phone and hear his voice on the other end of the line. Wanting to hug him as hard as possible and never ever ever ever let go.

So this evening I sit and I remember and I regret and I grieve. And tomorrow I'll wake up, feed the cat, go to work, and keep on building my life.

None of this makes a good inspirational speech. It's not a stirring tale of overcoming adversity. It'll never been featured on a cheesy poster hanging in a classroom. But that's the reality of living with loss. It's messy and confusing and complicated and it isn't a straight line. But we continue.

And in the end, that's all we can do.

2018 was a decent year for me. (In the larger context of the world and society and politics, it wasn't so great, but if I start talking about that I'll just get angry and depressed, so I'll just stick to my life.) There were ups and downs, but the downs didn't seem so low and the ups weren't quite as high. Mostly it was a year of stability.

Things I did and experienced in 2018:

-Stayed in the same apartment for an entire year. I am actually very proud of myself for this; the last time I stayed in one place longer than a year was in 2010. Staying in a place we like, with good neighbors, has been a huge part of feeling stability in my life.
-At work, planned and ran five major events, plus dozens of smaller events, a teacher training workshop, a large part of the annual museum sleepover, two science nights, a birthday party, and two community outreach events. I also designed nine monthly flyers and nine monthly activities, completely re-did at least twenty scavenger hunts, did a bunch of work on the website, and took on some new responsibilities related to the website and publicity/marketing. I am also really happy that for one of the big events, I convinced my friend Marty (who has known me since I was three years old) to do traditional Yup'ik storytelling. In general, I felt more confident and capable at my job, although that's always an ongoing process.
-Over the summer, I taught at an outdoor nature education camp for two weeks. I have never been so exhausted in my life; turns out running around in the woods with a bunch of 8- and 9-year-olds takes a lot of energy. I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot. I'm very glad I did it, but I'm also glad it was only two weeks.
-Although we first met her in 2017, this year Rory and I really became friends with our neighbor Cassandra. She's a great neighbor (and cat-sitter).
-Met lots of new people at work, and said goodbye to a lot of co-workers who left. Lots of staffing changes this year, unfortunately.
-In January, I visited my sister and nephews in Tacoma, and went back to the museum I interned at in 2015. Several people there remembered me, which was weird.
-In April, I went on a work trip to Nome and Shishmaref, which was my first time in that part of the state. It was stressful, but also fun, and reminded me that I do miss village life at times.
-In May, we went to Massachusetts and New York. We spent a day in Boston, then two days with our awesome friends Lynds and Lauren. It was so good to see them, I missed them SO much. Then we went to Syracuse and attended Rory's cousin's wedding.
-In July, my mom and I went to Dawson City. We camped by the Yukon River and got to visit an amazing museum. I hadn't been to Dawson since I was about eight years old, and it was fun to see it again.
-In November, I went back to Tacoma to visit my sister and see my nephew perform in a children's theatre production of The Hobbit. He played Gollum, and it was awesome. I did manage to accidentally take my mom's car key back to Alaska with me; it's a long and complicated story, but someday we'll look back and laugh. Maybe.
-Rory's cousin got married, and one co-worker, one cousin, and one cousin-in-law had babies. Less weddings and babies than the year before; it goes in waves.
-It was a rough year for our cars. In April, someone hit Rory's car in a parking lot, and getting it all resolved with the insurance company took two months. It was absolutely ridiculous. Then in November someone rear-ended my car, which meant another round of fighting with insurance companies. In the end, both cars got fixed, but look somewhat the worse for wear. (My car has a large dent in the back, but it's functional, legal, and safe, so I don't care what it looks like).
-I saw three movies in the theatre: A Wrinkle in Time (not bad, though the special effects were way too over-the-top), The Incredibles 2 (pretty good, but not as good as the original), and Emmett Otter's Jug-Band Christmas (they showed it in the theatre for the 40th anniversary; it's completely ridiculous, but fun).
-Rory got a part-time job as an announcer for the local NPR station. It's a perfect job for him. He continues to make great progress in setting boundaries and dealing with the toxic aspects of his family.
-I got to spend time with two of my high school teachers. It's so cool and weird to get to know my former teachers as adults and friends.
-I did a sleep study, was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and started using a CPAP machine at night. It's been a slow process getting used to it, but so far the verdict is that Rory is sleeping better.
-I started fencing again! Only a few times, but I worked up the courage to go to a practice and talk to new people. I'm hoping to do it more next year.
-I took a Japanese class at the university. It was a lot of time and a lot of work, but I learned I hadn't forgotten as much as I thought I had. It was a good mental workout. I also discovered that college students can be very annoying. (I was the oldest person in the class, by far.) I know they're young and still learning, but I just wish they wouldn't pretend they know everything.
-My computer started to slowly die, and then I spilled tea on it and its death happened very quickly. I had to get a new computer, and am slowly figuring out how to use Windows 10.
-Celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary by going to Chena Hot Springs. For our anniversary, Rory got me a Super Nintendo, and after not playing it for at least twenty years, I finally beat Donkey Kong Country!
-My mom stayed with us in February and March, and again in July, and we got along very well. There was only one big argument, but overall we did a good job negotiating boundaries and not stepping on each other's toes.
-I wasn't able to see as many friends as I'd like. I really really really miss my grad school classmates.
-We met the horses and ponies. This might be the best part of the year; there's a place that does riding lessons, and Rory has been helping out there a few mornings out of the week. Being around horses has been so good for Rory's mental health. There's a pony that I am completely in love with. His name is Little Joe, and I want to take him home with me. I can't believe that a year ago, we didn't even know they existed, and now I can't imagine a life without visiting the horses and Little Joe every week.
-Goldie continues to be an amazing and demanding and adorable and fussy and loving part of my life. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful cat. She's getting more relaxed and comfortable with us, and even sleeps on my pillow sometimes. It sounds so cliche, but I feel honored to give her a good home, even when she begs for food at all hours of the night.

I had six things I wanted to do in 2018:
Start learning fencing again: I did this! I only went to three or four practices, but it's a start, and I plan to do more next year.
Do something to brush up on my Japanese: I took a class during the fall semester. Go me!
Stay in the same apartment all year: Accomplished this too, and plan to stay here another year.
Continue to do my best at work: I think I did okay on this. I got through a lot of difficult projects. I'll continue to work on it.
Continue to work with Rory on our communication skills: Still working on this. I think we did pretty well, but could do better on handling stress and disagreeing in a healthy way. Again, it's a work in progress.
Go to hunting camp in September: I tried to do this, but wasn't able to. It wasn't my fault, though, it had to do with other people's schedules.

Overall, I think I did pretty well on accomplishments in 2018.

Here's what I'd like to do in 2019:
-Keep up with fencing (go to practice about once a month), and Japanese (study from the textbook and practice my vocabulary)
-Read at least one book every month
-Start practicing mindfulness techniques to manage stress and live more in the present.
-Continue to do my best at work, and particularly in not letting big events or projects stress me out as much.
-Continue to work on healthy communication with Rory, and maintaining a strong relationship.
-Plan our honeymoon. It's been six years, we have money set aside for it, we need to take our damn honeymoon already.
-Go to hunting camp in September. It will happen this year; I need to go back there and feel Dad's presence.

As the Year of the Dog ends, I hope the Year of the Boar is kind, merciful, and forgiving to us all. Happy New Year, my friends.

I feel like I should write something, mark the day in some way. But all day I've been feeling run-down, both physically and mentally, and I have nothing profound to say.

Today marks twelve years since one of the worst days of my life. I won't say it was the worst, because the shock insulated me from most of the emotions. The worst came days and weeks and months later: the memorials were over, the obituaries were published, and you're supposed be "getting over it". But that's the precisely when the shock wears off and the feelings start rushing back in, drowning you in an ocean of grief and regret and longing.

But even though it wasn't the worst day, twelve years ago was the day the world changed.

I wish I could separate the two events. Dad's death and Aidan's birth. From a distance, it sounds like the perfect circle of life; one dies and another is born. It's poetic. It's the type of plot device you'd find in a novel, and think "that never happens in real life".

Up close, the reality is a lot messier.

It means that every year I'm filled with grief and happiness at the same time. I'm happy Aidan is in my life, happy that he can celebrate another birthday. I'm so glad he was there in those first dark months, giving all of us something new and bright to focus on.

But I'm also filled with sadness, and regret, and missing my dad so hard it physically hurts. And over all of it, a blinding anger; the world did not let my father meet his grandson. Only 21 hours separated them. There is no universe in which that makes sense. Yes, it sounds beautiful that Aidan entered the world just as his grandfather left it. But in reality, it's ugly and cruel that they never got to meet.

It's such a strange day. Full of sadness and joy in equal measure. Instead of one overruling the other, they fight it out inside me all day long, and in the end I'm left exhausted and confused and no better off than before.

I want my father to know his grandchildren. I want my father to meet his son-in-law. And more than anything, I just want him to be HERE. I want to feel his arms as he hugs me. I want to hear his voice telling terrible jokes. I want to see the intense look on his face as he concentrates on a chess game. I want to taste his moosemeat spaghetti sauce. I want to smell the smoke as he builds a campfire.

If I could go back twelve years, and change the course of events, I would. It might change everything. I might not be where I am right now, with a decent place to live, a job I enjoy, an adorable cat, a supportive family, and the best husband in the world. It would change the lives of every person in my family. I would risk giving up everything.

But I would take that chance. Because if my father were here right now...it would be worth it.

Another Father's Day.

I feel the need to write, to mark the occasion in some way. But all day I've struggled to come up with anything to say. I just feel...blank.

It's not just that my dad isn't here to celebrate Father's Day. It's that the last time I ever heard his voice, it was on Father's Day. The last time I ever talked to him, and I was grumpy. I didn't want to talk, I wanted to get the obligatory phone call out of the way. I thought I could call him later in the week. I thought I had lots of time to talk to him.

I took my dad for granted.

I was wrong.

Just five days later, I lost the chance to ever talk to him again.

Of all the regrets I've had in my life, this is the biggest. I will carry this regret with me the rest of my life, burning a hole in my heart.

I've talked to lots of people about this. My mom, my sister, my husband, my counselor...they all say the same thing. That I couldn't have known. That at least I did call him on Father's Day, even though I didn't want to. That he was happy I called. That he was in a good mood. That our last conversation wasn't angry, or hurt, or disappointed. That I did the best I could.

I believe them. But it doesn't help.

If I had called him later that week, if I had that chance...maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. A thousand more conversations with him wouldn't have been enough. All the time in the universe wouldn't have been enough.
But maybe, just maybe, it could have made it a tiny bit better.

I learned the lesson well. Eleven months later, when my grandma was dying, I got to her as quickly as I could. I told her everything I needed to say; she wasn't responsive by that point, but at least I said it. And I still miss her every single day, I still wish I had more time with her. But at least I don't have any regrets.

And that's why Father's Day is so hard. Seeing everyone celebrate dads is difficult enough. It feels like the world is taunting me; "Look, everyone else has a dad, and you don't!" (I know that's not true, plenty of people don't have their dads around, or have difficult relationships, but that's the way it feels to me.) But then add in the extra regret and guilt surrounding the last time I talked to my dad, and the day becomes unbearable.

Twelve years on, and there's still the same feelings. Nothing new to report. It hasn't gotten better over time. I've just learned to live with it.

February 16, 1998.

The day I turned on the TV to find Locutus of Borg staring back at me. And that was it. My life started to change.

Star Trek has led to much of what is good in my life. There's the ideals I learned from (or were reinforced by) Star Trek: tolerance, respect, diplomacy, exploration, the search for knowledge.

But more importantly is the community I found in Star Trek. I'd been a fan of books, TV shows, movies before, but Star Trek was different. It was an all-encompassing obsession, and it was the first time I realized that other people could share my interests. Other people, all over the world, of all ages, could love the same thing. They could have conversations about this shared world, they could bond, they could form a community. Delving into Star Trek fandom was the first time I ever thought "these are my people." I was an anxious, quiet, intense, shy-to-the-point-of-it-being-paralyzing teenager, and finding a community of people who not only accepted me, but encouraged my interests...it was truly life-changing. If I hadn't had that experience, it would have been much more difficult to find shared communities later in my life.

I fell in love with Star Trek at the exact right time. We had just gotten internet access the year before, and message boards, ICQ, and IRC were just becoming a thing. The combination of Star Trek and Internet was magical, and I met so many kind, funny, loyal, amazing people. Many of them I've lost touch with, but they were important parts of my life, shaping the way I think and the kind of person I've become. Others became lifelong friends; I've attended weddings, watched children grow up, cheered at graduations and job announcements, spent sleepless nights talking about anything and everything. We have literally shared more than half our lives with each other, and that is a truly amazing thing.

Star Trek even led me to my husband. It was a long, indirect route, but watching that episode of Star Trek on that day led me down a path to discovering Newshounds, which led to meeting Rory, and many years later, to a marriage, a cross-continent move, and a life together.

And here we are, twenty years later. Star Trek is not the total obsession it once was for me, but it's still an important part of my identity and shaped the person I've become. And for that, I'm grateful.

2017 is almost over. Huh. It feels like it just started. It was a very up-and-down year, with a lot of good and a lot of bad (I'm talking about in my daily life, not larger social/political stuff. If I start talking about that I'll just start screaming.)

In no particular order, here are some things that happened this year:

-I planned and pulled off five major events at work, as well as at least 15 smaller ones. I helped with a bunch of other projects, did a birthday party, designed twelve monthly flyers, started a big project with Denali National Park, and made a ton of scavenger hunts.
-I completely cleaned and reorganized the bookshelves and activity drawers at work.
-I went through at least three lint rollers taking care of the damn caribou pelt at the museum.
-I went to Ketchikan for the first time, on my first work trip. Ketchikan was beautiful, though completely overrun with tourists.
-In June, we moved to a new apartment that is bigger, nicer, in a better location, has better neighbors, and more importantly has a washer and dryer! I can't overstate how excited I am about no longer have to scrounge for quarters or share a laundry room with a bunch of random people. I feel like I'm finally an adult.
-We met our new neighbors Chris and his dog Brogan, and Cassandra and her dog Jasper. I am loving hanging out with the dogs, but not having to feed or walk them. :)
-We went camping twice, once at Denali and once near Chena Hot Springs, and didn't get eaten by bears.
-I went to a baseball game for the first time, and had no idea what was going on most of the time.
-We were lucky enough to have an amazing view of Denali (the mountain, not the park), which is pretty rare.
-My mom stayed with us for a month in the spring and another month over the summer, and we didn't kill each other. In fact, we got along quite well.
-I started cross-country skiing again, after not having done it in over twenty years, and found I actually enjoy it.
-We went back to Syracuse to visit the in-laws, and it was actually a very nice trip, to my surprise.
-I went to my 15th high school reunion. Only a few of my classmates were there, but it was fun to walk through my old high school and see how little it's changed in fifteen years.
-Got back in touch with two of my high school teachers, both of whom were very influential in my life, and was able to tell them how important their guidance was to teenager Emily.
-I got a new phone, and have mostly figured out how to use it.
-I saw three movies in the theatre: We Breathe Again (a documentary about Alaska Natives healing from historical trauma), Cars 3 (I had very low expectations, but it was surprisingly good), and Coco (SO GOOD, but emotionally devastating).
-I wasn't able to see any of my grad school classmates all year, and I miss them like crazy.
-Had two months off from work this summer. I volunteered at two summer camps; one was okay, the other was a lot of fun (but frustrating at times).
-I very briefly had a summer job at a daycare/summer camp and quickly found out it was not a good place for me. I still feel like I failed one kid there; he was extremely argumentative and annoying, and had anger issues, but I didn't handle it in a constructive way. I doubt he even remembers me, I only had that job for two weeks, but some things linger.
-It seemed like everyone I knew had babies; three friends, three co-workers, and one cousin. So many babies!
-Rory and I had some emotional conversations, addressing some deep-seated insecurities. It was difficult, but we came out stronger on the other side and I think our relationship is even better now.
-We had our fifth anniversary in November. Five years seems like such a long time, but also no time at all.
-Got extremely angry at and disappointed in my sister-in-law for hurting people I care about.
-I was able to watch Rory make amazing progress this year. It was a hard year for him (one of his best friends died unexpectedly), but he also learned how to set boundaries with his family, tell his parents how harmful their communication patterns continue to be, stand up for himself and express his opinions with less fear, and start believing that he is a good person. It's still a work in progress, but I'm incredibly proud of him.
-Fed and petted the cat more times than I can count. She continues to be adorable and demanding and fussy and amazing, and I am so glad she is in our lives.
-Still miss Jade and Sapphire more than I can put into words.

So yeah, that was a year.

I wrote down three goals last New Year's Eve, and I think I did pretty good at them.
The first was to stay in the same house for an entire calendar year; I didn't accomplish that one, but it turned out for the best, as we moved to a better place. And we did stay in the same city all year.
The second was to get better at my job and feel more settled at the museum; I did pretty good at that. I still don't really know what I'm doing, but I feel like I'm better than when I first started, my co-workers are awesome, and I feel more secure.
The last one was to be more financially secure, and I think I met that one too. By the numbers, we don't make a ton of money, but it's enough to meet our needs and not spend all our time worrying. I can actually do things like buy a book without worrying it will wreck our budget.

Here's my list of things I'd like to do in 2018:
-Start learning fencing again.
-Do something to brush up on my Japanese (take a class, do something online, etc).
-Stay in the same apartment all year. I do NOT want to move again.
-Continue to do my best at work, particularly with the Denali project.
-Continue to work with Rory on our communication skills, and how to disagree in a healthy way.
-Go to hunting camp in September. It's been almost five years since I've been there, and it's time to go back. (Not to hunt, but it's where my dad's ashes are scattered, and it's a very important place to me.)

Time to say goodbye to the year of the Rooster, and welcome in the year of the Dog. I hope the new year treats all of you kindly.

Eleven years.

I'm starting to forget the Before, and that scares me. I've lived too long in this strange shattered, half-mended world, and all that came before is starting to seem like a hazy dream. Did I ever have my dad here with me? Was it all wishful thinking?

Deep down, I know it all happened. I had twenty-two years with him, full of thousands of stories, card games, hugs, bad jokes, four-wheeler rides, fishing, root beer floats, target shooting lessons, history discussions, dancing, bread baking, support, encouragement, and love. It was Real, it Mattered.

But right now, those years seem like a faded memory. Something that happened hundreds of years ago, a story from a history book. Not something that I experienced, not so long ago.

I don't want to forget. I don't want to feel like all those experiences happened on a movie screen. I want them to be Real again. I don't want to be comfortable in this new world. I want the old one back.

Eleven years ago, my world cracked into jagged shards around me. I've been picking up the pieces ever since, trying to salvage them and tie them together to create something new. And most of the time, I think I've done okay. I've scraped together a life for myself, one full of family and friends and love, one I can be proud of.

But it's never going to be like Before. There's no going back, there's no "getting over it". It's just learning how to live in this altered, broken world.

I wish more than anything else that my dad could meet his grandsons. I wish he could meet his son-in-law. I wish he could have seen me get married, graduate with a master's degree, get a job at a museum. I wish he could have enjoyed his retirement. Every day of my life, I wish he was here to crack a bad joke and give me a hug.

Dad, I love you, deeply and fiercely. I will continue to love you as much as I can as long as I can. And I promise you that I will Remember.

Every year, I dare to hope it will be easier. And every year I'm disappointed when it's not. I guess it's time to accept Father's Day is never going to slip on by without turning the knife a little deeper.

It's not the constant reminders of fathers everywhere I turn, though that does hurt. (It feels like the universe is taunting me, saying "look at all these people who have fathers, and you don't!") It's not that our old tradition of breakfast in bed is gone, though that does make me sad.

What really gets me is the memory of that last Father's Day. How I was in a bad mood, I didn't want to talk to him, I just wanted to be left alone. How I called him anyway, because it's what you're supposed to do. How I was grumpy and cut the conversation short. How that whole week, I keep thinking "I'll call Dad back tomorrow." Because of course there's always a tomorrow. Until there's not.

I know it could be much worse. We could have been arguing, or not speaking to each other. We could have been on bad terms, and left unfinished business. On the whole, we had a great relationship. We said "I love you" to each other every time we talked.

But still...

I wish I hadn't been so grumpy. I wish I hadn't treated Father's Day like an obligation, not a gift. I wish I had called him back. I wish, I wish, I wish.

One thing I've learned over the past eleven years is the most destructive emotion isn't grief. It's regret. Grief hollows you from the inside out, but regret...regret lives in that empty space inside of you, burrowing into every wound you have, constantly whispering "you could have done better".

I'm trying to live with it. I'm trying to accept I did the best I could. I'm trying to remember the positives, the love and the laughter and the hugs. And most of the time, I do all right.

But every year, the third Sunday in June comes around and everything crashes down on me again.

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